I, unfortunately, cannot be as completely transparent as I'd like to be on this website. That is because I am scared. Scared of people that I love. Scared that they will read this and no longer wish to communicate with me, all because I'm sharing my story. Just a reminder to hopefully humble each and every one of you, I am a human with human issues, and so are you. We are all the same, just on a different journey. You may not agree with my journey, and that's okay, but I refuse to conform to your wishes for me just because it's what will make you more comfortable. I've lived my life constantly trying my best for others, and always failing to impress. I have trauma that troubles me greatly, trauma that is invisable to everyone but myself (and my husband who actually listens and understands me better than anyone else on the planet). If only the people who have caused such trauma could see the damage they've done. If there were a way for me to open up about such trauma, I would.
Unfortunately I feel trapped, and always have. I have never felt heard by anyone. There has never been a person I've felt truly safe to tell my feelings to, because everytime I have, my words have been uttered to the wrong people. People who have your best interest at heart, or at least they say they do, cannot be truly trusted I've learned. It's something that hurts to this day. I hope in my next life I will get to experience better human connection, because I don't have much.
I feel that the people I love most may one day pass unexpectedly and I will be crushed by the overwhelming guilt that shouldn't even be mine. I truly wish I felt nothing some days. I hear people talk about their lives and their issues, and how they're still surrounded by family and friends, yet I'm not, as if my issues are so much greater than the rest of societiy's issues. I wonder why I'm held to such a high standard, one that's so much greater than my peers, it's a frustrating thing to think about.
I used to think I was a bad kid growing up, now I realize that I was pretty normal. Just too smart for my own good and definitely too scared. I should have been more rebellious. I should have smoked and drank and snuck out. I should have had fun. Instead, I sat in my room alone and sad. Like I said before, I cannot be transparent, or at least not as transparent as I'd like to be. I have been painted as a liar and a manipulator my entire life, when in reality I just desired love and true human connection. I wanted people to talk to. People to actually listen, not just say that they are.
I have a mental illness that causes me to forget exactly what people say and I sometimes repeat it wrong when asked to, which I suppose could be misconstrued as lying? Even this paragraph would be interpretted as me excusing my behavior and manipulating, isn't that funny? I cannot do anything right in life to some people. I'm starting to resent the people I love, which is one of the worst feelings in the whole world. My love runs so incredibly deep, and I'm so scared of losing people but at the same time I never want to speak to another human in my fucking life.
Some of the people in my life make me want to die sometimes. They make me feel like I will never be good enough. They make me seem like a terrible person when I have grown so much and understand myself better than anyone. I am 21 years old and am more self aware than anyone I know, yet people will say that they can't admit when I'm wrong. I think that is so funny.
I am an adult. I'm sick of blocking people on Facebook from seeing my posts because I know they will text me, treating me like a child, and asking me why I posted a particular thing. I'm sick of people not minding their own fucking business. I'm sick of feeling trapped, even when I'm hundreds of miles away from anyone I know. I'm sick of knowing that if I tell someone something in confidence, that they will lie and go and tell someone else. I'm tired of all the two-faced people that tell me one thing but go and tell someone else the opposite. I'm sick of it all, and I'm truly wanting to just block everyone, even if it hurts.
Why can't I do a boudoir photoshoot and post it because I feel confident and sexy as a grown fucking woman? Oh yeah, I feel trapped and judged. Why do I feel like I can't talk about my mental health with anyone close to me? Oh yeah, I fell trapped and judged. Sorry, but I shouldn't feel like I'm about to lose everyone that I love all because I'm being a human being. If you judge me for having struggles but can't figure yours out, you're a hypocrite and I'm seriously debating whether or not I want that in my life. I'm seriously so sick of feeling like this.
I think that if people knew what I truly wish for my life to look like they'd be disturbed. I want to live in the woods, completely naked. I want to do boho naked photoshoots and share art with the world. I want to worship the god that I love and that loves me. I want to raise my kids up to be beautiful human beings and truly be there for them through all their trials and tribulations. I want to better myself each and every day and be proud of my growth. I want to cut out all negativity. I want to get to a place where I feel completely at peace and comfortable discarding all forms of social media. I want to read every day and and fill my noggin with as much knowledge as I can. I want to think about questions yet to be answered by philosophers. I want to feel accepted within my circle.
Maybe in my next life, things will be different.